http://www.getoutofthemud.com/ The Get Out of the Mud Show with Host Tamara Johnson en Copyright 2008 Wed, 02 Jul 2008 18:30:00 +0000 http://www.sixapart.com/movabletype/ http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss

I haven't added an entry to my diary lately because I've been in a lot of transition and reflection. I am not even quite sure where to begin this entry because I've been having so many thoughts about so many things. Perhaps, it is best to begin chronologically. That goes way back. Way, way back. I almost want to begin in January 2004, when I married my beloved, Michael. But it actually goes back so much further than that . . . . to my first marriage. During my marriage to my first husband, I began and completed my education. It was during the education that I began to catch a tiny glimpse of what my future could hold. As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I looked forward to helping people change their lives for the better. But first, I had to change my own life for the better. Along about the time my training ended and I finished the licensing process, it became very clear that my first husband was unwilling to do the required emotional work that would allow us to maintain a marriage that was alive. When I left that marriage, I left almost fourteen years of being belittled by him (and in some measure by myself because I had to have agreed with him to stay, right?) and really began the work of re-building my self-esteem. In fact, the therapist I had already been working with for a year had this to say during my first session after leaving the marital home and moving back in with my parents: "Good. Now we can get the real work done." "What do you mean?" I asked. "Well, he replied, "Everything we have been doing up to this point has been to get you out of that marriage that was killing you. Now, we can start working on helping you heal." I had not even imagined that I hadn't even started working on myself until he spoke it! His comment really gave me pause. ]]> http://www.getoutofthemud.com/2008/07/no_more_chameleon.html http://www.getoutofthemud.com/2008/07/no_more_chameleon.html Can You See My Underwear?? - Comments Welcome! anger boundaries compromise hindsight identity knight in shining armor manicure marriage pedicure poverty realization vacation Wed, 02 Jul 2008 18:30:00 +0000 we see the world is the way everyone else should see the world, as well! We assume that our way is the best way! However, when you understand that the differences between you and your partner are meant to enhance your relationship, you can begin to appreciate each other instead of trying to change each other. So we must begin our discussion by examining the simple diagram I've included here. Each of us has two main components of our personality. We are either predominantly relationship-based or competency-based. And we are either freedom-seeking or duty-bound. Read the following descriptions to help you determine where your predominant personality patterns fall. A relationship-based person's most important concerns in life relate to getting along harmoniously with others. Relationships are this person's primary preoccupation. To that end, a relationship-based person is extremely ethical, based on a personal code of ethics that relates back to the desire for removing conflict and selfishness between people. This person is also very imaginative, intuitive, highly emotional and spiritually based. People skills come naturally and these people are very easily diplomatic. Relationship-based people tend to be empathetic, kindhearted, authentic, enthusiastic, romantic and introspective. They use their internal world as the frame of reference from which to decide how to proceed in the external world of people and relationships. Personal growth is of utmost importance as is an ideal, romantic relationship. A competency-based individual is much more rooted in problem-solving in the natural, concrete world (as opposed to the relationship-based person, who problem-solves in the abstract world of people, ideas and relationships). What is most important to a competency-based person is appearing knowledgeable and proficient. These individuals are strategic, pragmatic and analytical; always thinking of a better way to approach a problem. Competency-based individuals instinctively doubt just about everything they are told and are skeptical of everyone they interact with. They are self-reliant and ingenious, determined and independent. The worst fate a competency-based person could experience is that of a "robot"; being compelled to follow something or believe blindly. These individuals are calm, logic and achievement based and curious. After these two descriptions, you should have a pretty good idea of whether you are more relationship-based or competency-based. Most likely, your partner has the opposite characteristics you have! Before we delve more deeply into that, let's look at the other two extremes of personality expression. The first is the freedom-seeker. Freedom seekers enjoy action and the ability to act without limits. They are pragmatic in the physical world and will do whatever works to get a particular job done. Rules and adhering to the conventions of authority are less important than finding "what works" to get something done. They are focused on tactical efficiency; making each movement count toward the most effective outcome. They are physically based and like to use their hands and experience sensory pleasures. Freedom seekers are playful, spontaneous and optimistic and take disappointment in stride. With their spontaneous nature, freedom-seekers can be impulsive, overly-excitable and scattered. By contrast, duty-bound individuals tend to be focused on being a "good citizen"; steady, trustworthy, law-abiding, cautious, concerned, steady and dependable. Duty-bound individuals are very good at staying within the lines drawn by an organization and pride themselves on consistently doing reliable work. Duty-bound individuals also tend to focus attention on the activities of others, adopting a managerial role even when they have not been hired to do so. Responsibility is the number one concern for the duty-bound person and they usually want to see that everyone else conforms to their standards of what responsibility should look like. So now that you have read each type, you should be able to identify yourself as relationship or competency based AND you should be able to identify whether you are more a freedom-seeker or duty-bound. You should find that your personality is a blending of two types - one from each axis on the diagram. Now that you have identified yourself, try to figure out where your partner falls. Ask him or her to identify their own patterns. Many times, couples discover that they are opposites, completely! And, even if they find that they share common characteristics, one partner is usually more extreme on the shared group of traits than the other. The great news about this is that you now have permission to stop thinking your partner is intentionally trying to hurt or irritate you! For example, if you are a duty-bound person who is married to a freedom-seeker it is important to remember that what attracted you to your partner in the first place was his or her ability to have fun and the sense that your partner didn't seem to have a care in the world! That attracted you. Now that you've been together for a while, you see that the very characteristic that attracted you has a "flip side" something that irritates you and makes you wish your partner were more responsible. What you must remember, however, is that if your partner suddenly wakes up tomorrow and is as responsible and cautious as you are, you will have to give up all of the fun and spontaneity your partner brings to your relationship. Are you willing to do that? Probably not! On the other hand, if you are the freedom-seeker and you are looking at your duty-bound partner and thinking of how bored you feel, you must remember that it is their responsible, managerial nature that helps your life be organized enough for you to have your adventures. There must be enough balance to allow for both! If your relationship represents the pairing of a relationship-based person and a competency based person, your biggest conflicts will arise around the control of emotions. The relationship-based person believes and acts on the idea that the expression of emotion represents the color and value and fulfillment of life's experiences, while the competency-based person views emotional expression as being out-of-control. For you, it is important to realize that each of you is right. Emotions are good, although they may seem foreign to the competency-based person. On the other hand, self-control and the management of emotions are genuinely positive skills for the relationship-based person to learn. The key is in communicating about your differences and being patient enough to learn when the competency-based person is feeling overwhelmed by the outpouring of emotions that the relationship-based person revels in. And, it is equally important for the relationship-based person to recognize that the competency-based person's discomfort with the free expression of feelings is not a personal rejection. This is, perhaps, one of the most difficult middle grounds to reach and may require the assistance of a qualified professional to help you see your way to mutual support in your relationship. If your relationship is the pairing of two freedom-seeking souls, the protection of your bond will be found in your joint commitment to making focused efforts on slowing down to attend to the "daily drudgeries" of life. The two of you play and work hard. But who pays the bills and who washes dishes and who makes decides when you should slow down and take a breath? For this relationship to last without causing both of you to "crash and burn" you must be aware of and attentive to these concerns. The tendency would be for the one of you to become resentful because both are out working and playing so hard without regard to the practicalities of life. Talk about it. Don't hold a grudge. Remember, you have the perfect playmate! Yours is life in the fast lane and you must take some time to slow down. If you and your partner are competency based and a freedom seeker, you were likely attracted to each other because you admired your partner's ability to play and they admired your ability to stay focused to get things done. These are probably still valued in your relationship. So remember the strengths your partner brings to you. On the other hand, if you are the competency-based person in your relationship, try to plan less and play more. It will keep your partner happy. And if you are the freedom seeker, recognize that when your partner looks at you as impulsive that they may just be uncomfortable moving forward without advance, strategic planning. If you are two duty-based individuals, remember that just because you think your way is the right way, it is in your personality to believe that. It doesn't make it so. Your partner also believes that his or her beliefs are the right beliefs. When you come into conflict, remember not to be judgmental (one of the faults of your personality type) and remember there is more than one "right" way to do things! For the relationship between a relationship-based and a duty-bound individual, the caution is that you do not judge each other. To a duty-bound person, the tendency of the relationship-based individual to filter everything through personal thoughts and feelings may seem selfish. And the relationship-based person may become impatient with the duty-bound individual's lack of motivation to "go deep" with thoughts and feelings. Here, you need patience about differing perspectives. The relationship-based person should continue to focus on spirituality, enthusiasm and imagination while the competency based person should focus on common moral ground. What attracted you? Go back and focus on that again. Deep personal exploration is not warranted for the relationship fodder here. Focus on common ground. If you are two relationship-based people, be careful not to spend too much time in each other's emotional space. It is wonderful and exhilarating, at first. But remember that it is okay to come up for air and give each other space. For the couple who is relationship-based and freedom seeking, the fun and excitement of the relationship often give way to a disconnect because the freedom seeker does not have interest in discussing thoughts and feelings at a deeper level. In fact, I dated a guy like this (he was a freedom-seeker and I am relationship based) and after two months, I concluded that we can't even be friends! I usually get alone with everyone pretty well, but I could not get along with him and it was completely based on our personality differences! If you are two competency-based individuals in a relationship, you must remember to get personal with each other and leave the analytical stuff behind. Yours can become an isolated relationship where your only connection is discussion work-related things. Finally, if your relationship is the joining of a competency-based person and a duty-based person, the duty-based person can be perceived by the competency based person as a nag who is uninterested in the competency-based person's ideas and innovations. Remember that the gift the duty-based person offers is stability at home and social connections. Find value in offering or receiving these gifts and the relationship can weather the storm that the personality differences provoke. Ok. Maybe your head is swimming with all of these details. Here's what is important here. Remember that differences exist in every relationship. Think about the things that originally drew you to your partner. Those things you are irritated with are simply the "flip side" of the things that attracted you in the first place. They secret to compatibility is in resisting the urge to change your partner into whom you think they should be. Rather, recognize their gifts and recognize that the quirks, ideas and habits that represent their personality is NOT an attempt to hurt, manipulate or irritate you. Your partner is simply expressing their unique personality. Work together. Talk it out. See if, together, you can find a way to value your differences and cherish the unique gifts you each bring to your relationship. If you would like more information about compatibility in relationships, pick up Stephen Montgomery's book People Patterns: A modern guide to the four temperaments. Want to learn more about how to Know and Love Who You Are? Get Tamara's Book - Pull Yourself Out of the Mud: Know and Love Who You Are and Get MORE Out of Life! Find free tools for self-growth and healing at http://www.GetOutoftheMud.com To learn more about Tamara and Tamara's services visit http://www.CenterforHealthyRelationships.com Read Tamara Johnsons' Diary to witness her personal growth process http://tamara.hubhub.org and click on Tamara Johnson's Diary ]]> http://www.getoutofthemud.com/2008/05/special_report_secrets_of_comp.html http://www.getoutofthemud.com/2008/05/special_report_secrets_of_comp.html Secrets Mon, 12 May 2008 23:45:45 +0000 Special Report: Three things you can do today to know and love who you are! If you already took the Know and Love Who You Are test, you are probably ready to identify what you can do today to improve your score. Congratulations! You are on your way because the first step to improving your life is curiosity and an open mind. So, let me tell you the three things you can do today. Slow down and listen are the first two things you can do. What do I mean when I say slow down? Well, the interesting thing that I see that stops women from making progress when they come to me for psychotherapy is that they never take time for themselves. They are so busy running from here to there and getting all of their "work" done that they don't understand why at the end of the day they are unhappy, tapped out and feeling unfulfilled. Yes, we women hold the world together, but if we do not attend to ourselves, we will find ourselves out in the middle of the proverbial desert without any water! So, slowing down requires you to take some time to breathe each and every day. Find some quiet time when you can disconnect from the noise and pressures of your day. It can be as little as ten minutes. But slow down and allow some silence in your life. Some women find that the only time they can make for silence is in their car. If that's true for you, that's fine. Turn off the radio. Get quiet. Breathe. Once you have quieted yourself, the second thing you can do for yourself today is listen! Listen to your higher, inner voice. Listen to your feelings. Do you know where they are? They reside in your solar-plexus. Your feelings are your guide, helping you maintain the balance you need inside and in interaction with the world. They are the interactive tools you need to make your life whole, well and happy. If you need more information about listening to your feelings, visit http://www.GetOutoftheMud.com where you can learn the tools for self-healing and growth and ask questions about how to make it work in your life. Now that you have gotten quiet and listened to your feelings, I ask you: "What does your inner voice tell you that you need to do to achieve more happiness and balance in your life?" That is the third step. Get really clear about what your feelings are telling you. What does your body need? What do you need in your mind and Spirit? When you are clear on that, it is time to take action. Action is the third step. Take one self-nurturing step today. As you fill yourself up, you will be in a better position to give to and nurture every person in your life whom you love and for whom you are responsible. Want to learn more about how to Know and Love Who You Are? Get Tamara's Book - Pull Yourself Out of the Mud: Know and Love Who You Are and Get MORE Out of Life! Find free tools for self-growth and healing at http://www.GetOutoftheMud.com To learn more about Tamara and Tamara's services visit http://www.CenterforHealthyRelationships.com Read Tamara Johnsons' Diary to witness her personal growth process http://tamara.hubhub.org and click on Tamara Johnson's Diary]]> http://www.getoutofthemud.com/2008/05/steps.html http://www.getoutofthemud.com/2008/05/steps.html Steps Mon, 12 May 2008 23:20:17 +0000 Read Tamara’s personal growth journey at http://www.TamaraJohnsonsDiary.com Learn how YOU can make a positive difference in the world as you pursue your passions and develop personal and global sustained abundance http://whatwouldyoudo.hubhub.org ]]> http://www.getoutofthemud.com/2008/05/new_book_release.html http://www.getoutofthemud.com/2008/05/new_book_release.html test Mon, 12 May 2008 23:13:13 +0000 http://www.CenterforHealthyRelationships.com http://www.TamaraJohnsonsDiary.com]]> http://www.getoutofthemud.com/2008/05/learn_more_about_tamaras_produ.html http://www.getoutofthemud.com/2008/05/learn_more_about_tamaras_produ.html book hiking Pull_Yourself_Out_of_the_Mud services therapy Fri, 02 May 2008 06:11:54 +0000 ]]> http://www.getoutofthemud.com/2008/04/reclaim_your_body_from_shame_a.html http://www.getoutofthemud.com/2008/04/reclaim_your_body_from_shame_a.html Weekly Assignment assignment body_image Sat, 26 Apr 2008 04:58:00 +0000

Hello, I'm Tamara Johnson, your host of the Get Out of the Mud Show. Today, I want to take some time to share with you my personal exploration of body image and shame because it is a problem that is rampant for so many of us in this culture. So, let me tell you what happened for me and then I will tell you how this issue affects so many of us, even if size is not your particular issue. I think it is a discussion we need to begin to have to be able to reclaim ourselves from shame and self-rejection. I have also decided to re-structure the weekly assignments. Instead of having a quote, I'm going to create an assignment associated with the week's discussion topic. So look in your e-mail box this Friday (if you have signed up for assignments) for the assignment that goes along with today's exploration. Last Friday, I had the great privilege of returning to the wilderness for a 3-hour solo medicine walk in the wilderness of the San Francisco Bay Area. The insights and healing I gained there were, once again, tremendous. On this walk, I began my journey in the energy of pondering deep questions that had arisen for me while I was listening deeply to my own inner voice and setting my intentions for my journey. Before each of us set out on our solo walk, we shared our intentions as well as our growth since our last journey. .]]> http://www.getoutofthemud.com/2008/04/reclaim_your_body_from_shame.html http://www.getoutofthemud.com/2008/04/reclaim_your_body_from_shame.html Exploring Personal Issues body_image chronic_fatigue fibromyalgia grandmothers healing hiking medicine_walk rejection rituals San_Francisco self-harm shame wilderness Wed, 23 Apr 2008 18:00:00 +0000

Asha is the creator of the Birth of Your Life System-- a Spiritual childbirth course and the creator of the Reclaiming Your Power Formula. She is a contributing writer for various publications, including the book Soulful Parenting. Asha is a speaker, mentor & coach, and is dedicated to assisting women achieve their personal and professional goals. For more on Asha, please visit www.reclaimingyourpower.com & www.birthofyourlife.com ]]> http://www.getoutofthemud.com/2008/04/8_minute_preview_of_interview.html http://www.getoutofthemud.com/2008/04/8_minute_preview_of_interview.html Guest Interviews childbirth fear happiness power reclaiming Wed, 16 Apr 2008 22:49:08 +0000 Survivor Psalm I have been victimized. I was in a fight that was not a fair fight. I did not ask for the fight. I lost. There is no shame in losing such fights, only in winning. I have reached the stage of survivor and no longer a slave of victim status. I look back with sadness rather than hate. I look forward with hope rather than despair. I may never forget, but I need not constantly remember. I was a victim. I am a survivor.]]> http://www.getoutofthemud.com/2008/02/survivor_psalm_by_dr_frank_och.html http://www.getoutofthemud.com/2008/02/survivor_psalm_by_dr_frank_och.html Answering Your Questions Healing Rape Survivor_Psalm Fri, 29 Feb 2008 17:52:15 +0000

Hello, I'm Tamara Johnson, your host of The Get Out of the Mud Show. Thank you for joining me today. As a regular feature of my show, I answer a question that comes from one of my listeners and today, I am going to respond to a question from a woman who asked me about sexual assault. She wants to know how she can overcome the guilt she feels. She also tells me that she has tried to ignore her memories of the rape, but she just cannot forget what happened. Let me begin by stating that although you feel isolated, you are not alone. One in six American women are victims of sexual assault according to the National Sexual Assault Hotline. Let me also say that you can get free, confidential assistance by calling the hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE. This is such a sensitive issue and I will do my best to help you understand why being raped is such a powerfully negative experience -- even years after it occurred. And, I will do my best to help you understand how to cope and heal. I also want you to understand that it is very difficult to heal from this kind of trauma on your own. I would recommend that you find a caring, responsive counselor who can help you walk through the difficult process of healing after rape. Trying to ignore the problem will only insure that you will be struggling with the same feelings, symptoms and problems for years to come. ]]> http://www.getoutofthemud.com/2008/02/how_do_i_overcome_guilt_heal_a.html http://www.getoutofthemud.com/2008/02/how_do_i_overcome_guilt_heal_a.html Answering Your Questions Guilt Healing National Sexual Assault Hotline Post Traumatic Stress Rape Sexual Assault Fri, 29 Feb 2008 06:37:02 +0000

Hello, I'm Tamara Johnson, your host of The Get Out of the Mud Show with this week's Quote and Assignment. Today's quote comes from Mainbocher, who said: "To be well turned out, a woman should turn her thoughts in." I love this quote because it so elegantly describes the process of growth and personal responsibility for our feelings and actions that each of us has. Inevitably, each of us will be confronted daily with situations, both expected and unexpected that invoke emotional responses. Many people believe that when that happens, it is the situation that causes the emotions and the behavior that occurs after the initial emotional response. The truth is that it is possible to become very good at managing your actions when you become good at monitoring your feelings and completing appropriate self-care action based upon the feedback your feeling system is providing to you. In order to do that, you must look inward and use a thoughtful, analytical process to help you understand your best course of action. If you would like the assignment associated with today's quote, simply fill in your e-mail address in the form below. I take your privacy very seriously and will not share your information with anyone. Be sure to tell your friends about The Get Out of the Mud Show, so they can help you win your Advance Author's Autographed copy of Pull Yourself Out of the Mud: Know and Love Who You Are and Get MORE Out of Life! Until next time, I'm Tamara Johnson. Thanks for listening!]]> http://www.getoutofthemud.com/2008/02/mainbocher_on_turning_thoughts.html http://www.getoutofthemud.com/2008/02/mainbocher_on_turning_thoughts.html Weekly Quote and Assignment actions feelings thoughts Wed, 27 Feb 2008 03:54:49 +0000 ]]> http://www.getoutofthemud.com/2008/02/post_1.html http://www.getoutofthemud.com/2008/02/post_1.html Sun, 24 Feb 2008 05:53:36 +0000

Watch this video to find out how YOU can WIN your autographed, advance copy of Pull Yourself Out of the Mud: Know and Love Who You Are and Get MORE Out of Life!]]> http://www.getoutofthemud.com/2008/02/spread_the_word_win_advance_co.html http://www.getoutofthemud.com/2008/02/spread_the_word_win_advance_co.html Contests Book Contest Sharing Win Sat, 23 Feb 2008 21:00:00 +0000 Rachel Lazarus Soto has studied belly dance for more than fifteen years, and has performed and taught seminars internationally over the last twelve years. She is the director of acclaimed Blue Damsel Dance Company. Her concise teaching style shows clarity of thought and knowledge of movement and the body, allowing students to learn dance class and workshop material easily. As a lifetime student of behavior models of women, Rachel is highly intuitive, and has a developed understanding of women's motivations for dance. As a performer and coach, and loves glamour and glitz, and thinks every woman can feel fabulous in her skin. Rachel holds a General Skills Certification of Fat Chance Belly Dance Technique with Carolena Nericcio (January 2007). Over the last two years Rachel has begun studying Asian dance forms including classical and folk Indian styles with Meera, Shawna Rai, and most recently DaVid of Scandinavia, as well as Far East Asian movement concepts with Shifu Newton of Tai Mantis Kung Fu, and Classical Japanese dance with Mihoko Powers. These recent influences can be readily seen in Rachel’s performances and choreographies. ”I loved you on-stage at Tribal Con (2006). Unadulterated Mojo in motion!” -- Onca, Baraka Mundi To learn more about Rachel, visit her websites: http://www.BlueDamsel.org and http://www.DanceOasisStudio.net To get the entire 33 minute interview, simply fill in your name and e-mail address in the form below. (I take your privacy seriously and will never share your information with anyone.) ]]> http://www.getoutofthemud.com/2008/02/9_minute_preview_of_conversati.html http://www.getoutofthemud.com/2008/02/9_minute_preview_of_conversati.html Guest Interviews belly_dance body_image community Rachel_Lazarus_Soto Wed, 20 Feb 2008 21:00:00 +0000

Hello, I'm Tamara Johnson, your host of The Get Out of the Mud Show with this week's Quote and Assignment. The quote comes from James Allen, who said: "Good thoughts bear good fruit, bad thoughts bear bad fruit." What exactly does that mean? I think it goes deeper than the familiar saying "As a Man Thinketh, So is He." In fact, it is our thoughts that have the biggest influence upon how we feel. For example, if you have taken the time to pay attention to your feelings, as I have suggested in previous episodes and assignments from this Show, you may have discovered that you try to avoid your feeling self because what you found when you began trying to experience your feelings was not pleasant, but rather uncomfortable. I have to tell you, though, that recognizing that you don't feel good is the first step toward feeling better. That is because if you aren't feeling well, those feelings are usually connected to thoughts and beliefs you hold. Change your thinking and you will be able to change how you feel. Does that mean that you will always be able to avoid feeling uncomfortable or say? No, because life brings us experiences to which the normal response is difficult feelings. However, you have a lot of power toward moderating your feelings and feeling good more often than feeling bad if you begin monitoring and correcting your thought patterns. If you would like the Assignment connected with this week's quote, simply fill in your name and e-mail address below and I will be happy to send it to you! As always, I respect your privacy and will not share your information with anyone. Be sure to explore my website at www.GetOutoftheMud.com for tips and useful information for making your great life even beter! Also, watch for upcoming e-mails about a contest that will allow you the chance to win an Autographed Advance Copy of Pull Yourself Out of the Mud: Know and Love Who You Are and Get MORE Out of Life! I also want to remind you to watch for my interview with Rachel Lazarus Soto later this week. Since this month's theme is Overcoming Negative Thinking Patterns, I thought it would be great to include my conversation with Rachel about overcoming the negatives we experience as women through Belly Dance! Thanks for listening today and I look forward to connecting with you next time! I'm Tamara Johnson and this is The Get Out of the Mud Show.]]> http://www.getoutofthemud.com/2008/02/james_allen_on_good_thoughts_g.html http://www.getoutofthemud.com/2008/02/james_allen_on_good_thoughts_g.html Weekly Quote and Assignment discomfort feelings good thoughts happiness Tue, 19 Feb 2008 21:00:00 +0000