And as I wonder I feel compelled to share my thoughts with you about what love is and what (I think) love isn't. In thinking about this question, I've decided that love comes in many forms. There is romantic love, the love you feel for a friend and another kind of love that would be called compassion. And, there are at least two experiences that are often labeled "love" when they, in fact, are not love. Those two experiences are lust and attachment.
Let me begin by attempting to characterize what authentic romantic love is. That is the love that ideally exists between spouses. It often begins with attraction. You know, you see him and he's the most handsome guy you've ever met. Or, you're not sure exactly what it is about him, but you really feel you need to get to know him. Attraction is not the same as love, but it can lead to love. To me, love is the experience that occurs when two people care deeply for each others' well-being and are willing (but not compelled) to make sacrifices for the other. This kind of love includes affection, often expressed physically, and growing mutual feelings of deep caring. As this kind of experiences develop, insecurities and personal flaws are accepted and nurtured as they become exposed within the context of the relationship. With real love, both partners are willing to allow the other to see into their soul. That is, they hide nothing from each other. They trust each other with their deepest secrets, fears, insecurities and shortcomings. That trust is kept. Together, the people who share love lift each other and support one another. They keep each other safe emotionally because they cherish the parts of their partner that has been entrusted to them.You may think that this kind of love is a fairy tale. I am here to tell you it is not. It is simply that many people assume that this kind of love can't happen to them, so they settle for something less than authentic love.
Friendship love is the kind of love you feel for a friend. It does not include the physical attraction involved in authentic romantic love. It is less intense than romantic love, and although you may be willing to make sacrifices for your friends, the sacrifices are not as deep, profound and complete as the sacrifices you may choose to offer within an authentic, loving, romantic relationship.
The next kind of love is compassion. To me, compassion describes the feelings we experience when we see someone suffering and wish to somehow ease that suffering. Compassion may compel us to make sacrifices, but these are usually short-term sacrifices -- like giving a homeless guy a few dollars. I believe that "feeling sorry" for someone is similar to compassion, but feeling sorry doesn't often include any action toward improving the other person's situation.
With these brief descriptions that I hope have inspired you to begin thinking about your own definitions of love. Try to figure out and write down love's different categories as you see them.
Now, let's talk a little bit about what love isn't.
Many people begin a relationship by responding to attraction with sex. This often leads to a relationship based upon lust. Lust is an ugly emotion because it is often paired with jealousy, insecurity and lack of commitment in the relationship. Lust is based solely on physical attraction. Beginning a relationship this way actually blocks the development of authentic love because when you are involved in a lustful relationship, the emphasis is on the sex and getting to know one another person deeply becomes an inconvenience. After all, the main goal of the relationship was established to be sex from the beginning.
Finally, attachment describes that feeling of not being able to live without someone even though you may realize that the relationship is harmful to you or mutually unsatisfactory. Authentic love includes attachment; however many women develop relationships that look more like loveless attachment than authentic love that includes attachment. The distinction here is tricky because there can be a tendency to label your relationship as an "addiction" when it is simply an attached, authentic love relationship that has been beaten by events in your relationship history. Let me just say that every authentic, loving relationship naturally develops to a point where both partners look at each other and wonder how they can salvage what they once enjoyed with each other. That is definitely a recoverable state. What I'm talking about here is different. It is, for example, the relationship you create with a physically or emotionally abusive man and you feel so attached that you cannot seem to leave. You are attached, but the relationship is not a loving relationship. In reality, you have chosen an abusive person in the present day in an unsophisticated attempt to prove that the abusive person from your past history was wrong. If the unloving person you are attached with will just make you feel loved, then your history will be re-written and you will be proven loveable! The problem is that your attachment is probably also complicated by feelings of jealousy, insecurity, distrust and spite. Without the deep connection forged by authentic love, the healing you seek cannot occur.
Of course, if you discover that you are attached rather than in a loving relationship, my advice would be for you to seek counseling with your partner. See if changes can be made and if healing can take place. Sometimes, it can. Don't give up until you've tried to make corrections together.
If, on the other hand, you notice that your relationships are being built around something other than a need for deep sharing and connection, perhaps it's time to take a closer look at yourself before you start looking for your next committed relationship. If you notice a pattern of disappointments, it might be time to take a step back. You are probably attracting people who are not loving authentically because of something blocking your willingness to receive. Take a deeper look. Making the effort to restructure your way of thinking about relationships is well-worth it in the long run if it means you might find authentic romantic love.