You may be wondering why I'm going so far back. Well, the real answer is that once I had left that marriage and worked on my self-esteem for a few months, I thought I had "arrived." THIS was the work I needed to do to make me a fabulous therapist. I think it is really funny that although it happens over and over again, every time I get a new insight I think I've "arrived" and will be complete with my emotional growth. I'm simply thankful that the growth never ends.
Ahhh . . . . hindsight! It seems that the more I think of the theme of compromising myself, the more I realize about it. In fact, I was out on my morning walk at 5am today and realized that the theme of compromising who I am (the theme of my entire 14 year first marriage) continued after graduate school. A little example is that when I first got out of school, my mom and I got to work and created a beautiful business wardrobe for me. I wore those clothes with confidence and saw myself as a successful, professional woman. THEN, one day one of my clients told me that he felt more
comfortable with me when I wore jeans. What do you think happened? I nixed the professional wardrobe and started going casual to work. I have followed that pattern all the way up until last Saturday (when I took my professional identity back by dressing the part of my profession).
What I have realized is that compromising my identity is something I do to fit in, to be loved, to find acceptance and to help others. What I know today is that it isn't necessary to throw myself out the window . . . . . especially since I've been putting things back together over the last several weeks. But, I'm getting ahead of myself.
About 5 months after my divorce to my first husband, God led my path to husband number two: Michael. Michael came along and I thought I had found my "knight in shining armor" and immediately thought I was going to be "rescued." In fact, as soon as he and I became engaged, I started saying: "Now I won't have to work so hard." What I meant was that I had been struggling (not yet into complete recognition of my successful professional identity) financially and that I saw him as my reprieve. Screeettch!!!! Nope! He pays child support (as he should) to his ex-wife for the
support of his two children from that marriage. Translation: New husband is barely able to take care of himself, let alone taking over my financial burdens! Realize that I'm saying this with the benefit of hindsight (once again). What I actually did with that information was to fly into "rescue mode" in an attempt to take on his financial burdens in addition to my own. Well, that didn't work! So once I realize that wasn't going to work, I consigned myself to the life of a pauper. To my way of thinking, my husband was poor, so I must, necessarily be poor, as well.
Something I've learned about being poor (from being poor) is that poor people are constantly looking for help in the form of a break, an opportunity, or a hand-up. I did that, too. My first idea was to write a book. If I wrote a book, I would get *rich* and all of my problems would be over. Well, publishing the book cost $$$$!!! So, into debt I went! Then, more debt as I thought it was imperative to get professional speaker training
and (of course) I went to the best (and most expensive) program I could find. Now, in addition to being poor, I was in over my head financially . . . . but the book (when I came out) would remedy that, right? Nope!
So, one day my publisher sends me an e-mail encouraging me to go to a conference in Los Angeles for Humanity Unites Brilliance. I go. I see the promise of "sustained abundance" as the remedy that will help me out of poverty. I join. Yes, with my credit card. Bigger debt. Humanity Unites Brilliance (HUB) is a beautiful company with an amazing concept. I'm still a member, but re-evaluating what my involvement will look like because I found myself traveling all the time and hoping that my participation would be the much sought-after remedy for what ailed me. In reality, what ailed me WASN'T my difficulty with finances, but my lack of recognition of who I really am -- yes, compromising myself to fit a chameleon mold again! I had even called one of my more affluent friends that I had made a close connection with through HUB to tell him that I need some help. I wanted to create a seminar series with him because he had the means to help me market it and get it off the ground. Of course, because of our connection, he agreed. I am, however, putting that arrangement on hold . . . . you'll see why.
Well, about three weeks ago, I realized (again, but it felt like it was for the first time) that I had it in me to create a fabulous, thriving private practice doing what I had been educated and trained to do. Immediately, I began working on growing my practice with an optimistic eye toward alleviating the debt I had accumulated while I was in "helpless mode." But as soon as I began talking with Michael about my change in focus toward building my business, he began talking about taking a vacation. It was a vacation that he intended for me to finance with my soon-to-be-accumulated funds. When I told him that I could not pay for the vacation and that if he wanted to take me on vacation, he would have to pay for it, he cancelled. Boy, was I pissed!
And you know what I did when I got pissed? I realized that I've been sacrificing myself and NOT standing up for myself! I had, once again, given over my identity to someone else. When we have no boundaries, we don't require the people in our lives to STOP. Then we get MAD when they take the things that WE GAVE THEM PERMISSION to take! Well! I wasn't doing that any more and immediately went and got a much-needed, long-overdue manicure and pedicure. I enjoyed relaxing and being pampered, but so much more valuable were the realizations I had that day. That was when I realized that I had let go of my professional identity for Michael. That was when I realized that I LOVE the work I do and don't need to chase any other opportunities in order to be successful. That was when I realized that my identity as a professional woman includes remaining well-manicured, well-dressed and massaged-as-needed!
Since the day of the manicure, I've stayed in my professional clothes until time to put on my jammies. I've stood straighter and *ahem* taller. I've been excited about my life and its possibilities. All of this from remembering who I am and taking that amazing, beautiful, successful, professional woman back! The other fabulous thing is that I am now much more interested in taking really, really good care of myself. Yes, pedicures and manicures, regular flossing, washing my make-up off at night and using products and food that nurture my body and health. It all feels like a very joyful process.
So, here's my 20-20 hindsight recognition about myself as a therapist . . . . I've grown a lot. As I grow, I become better at helping. The truth is, Michael has been extremely influential in my personal growth and healing process since my divorce from my first husband and beyond. I am completely grateful for him. And at the same time, I am committed to embracing, celebrating and honoring my true identity while an active participant in the marriage. I want to say . . . . "No more chameleon for me!" But in reality, I think I need to stay awake to that tendency in myself. That said, I'm on my way out to wash my car . . . . professional people don't drive cars with "dirt collection experiments" in progress!