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May 2, 2008

Learn More About Tamara's Products and Services

Visit her other websites to learn more about her services and to read testimonials about Tamara's book available
May 13, 2008
http://www.CenterforHealthyRelationships.com
http://www.TamaraJohnsonsDiary.com

May 12, 2008

How Well Do You Know and Love Who You Are?

Do YOU Know and Love Who You Are?
Take this test and find out!

Please rate how strongly you agree or disagree with the following statements.

1. I believe I can do anything I set my mind to doing.
Strongly Agree = 4; Agree = 3; Disagree = 2; Strongly Disagree = 1

2. It is easy for me to stand up for my ideas, even of someone disagrees with me.
Strongly Agree = 4; Agree = 3; Disagree = 2; Strongly Disagree = 1

3. I have one or two hobbies or interests that I spend time doing, which I find regenerative and fulfilling.
Strongly Agree = 4; Agree = 3; Disagree = 2; Strongly Disagree = 1

4. When I was young, I had plenty of time for playing and just being a kid.
Strongly Agree = 4; Agree = 3; Disagree = 2; Strongly Disagree = 1


5. I recognize the important of good health and have a regular routine of exercise and good nutrition.
Strongly Agree = 4; Agree = 3; Disagree = 2; Strongly Disagree = 1

6. I am appreciative of and non-critical toward my body.
Strongly Agree = 4; Agree = 3; Disagree = 2; Strongly Disagree = 1

7. I am good at managing my time so that I can stay in balance between my own needs and other people’s requests of my time.
Strongly Agree = 4; Agree = 3; Disagree = 2; Strongly Disagree = 1

8. I am happy and free of anxiety.
Strongly Agree = 4; Agree = 3; Disagree = 2; Strongly Disagree = 1


9. I believe my life has purpose.
Strongly Agree = 4; Agree = 3; Disagree = 2; Strongly Disagree = 1

10. I spend most of my time doing the things that are most important to me.
Strongly Agree = 4; Agree = 3; Disagree = 2; Strongly Disagree = 1

11. I enjoy mutually fulfilling friendships.
Strongly Agree = 4; Agree = 3; Disagree = 2; Strongly Disagree = 1


12. I recognize that crying is just as important as laughing. I am willing and able to receive the gifts crying brings to me.
Strongly Agree = 4; Agree = 3; Disagree = 2; Strongly Disagree = 1


13. I feel my feelings in my stomach
Strongly Agree = 4; Agree = 3; Disagree = 2; Strongly Disagree = 1

14. My feelings are valuable tools that I use to help me interact in a healthy way with myself and in my relationships.
Strongly Agree = 4; Agree = 3; Disagree = 2; Strongly Disagree = 1

15. I can easily talk about my feelings.
Strongly Agree = 4; Agree = 3; Disagree = 2; Strongly Disagree = 1

16. I recognize the difference between what I think and what I feel.
Strongly Agree = 4; Agree = 3; Disagree = 2; Strongly Disagree = 1


17. I pay attention to my thoughts and am in the habit of thinking positive, nurturing thoughts about myself and others.
Strongly Agree = 4; Agree = 3; Disagree = 2; Strongly Disagree = 1

18. When I find a task difficult, I usually “stick with it” until I am able to overcome the difficulty.
Strongly Agree = 4; Agree = 3; Disagree = 2; Strongly Disagree = 1

19. I allow other people to put me down or I put myself down.
Strongly Agree = 1; Agree = 2; Disagree = 3; Strongly Disagree = 4

20. I am optimistic.
Strongly Agree = 4; Agree = 3; Disagree = 2; Strongly Disagree = 1

Now, add up the points for each item to get your total score. Find out what your score means about you below.

71 – 80: Congratulations! You are very good at staying connected to yourself and aware of your feelings and needs. You are good at maintaining the balance between your own needs and caring for others. You understand yourself and how to take care of yourself in a variety of different situations. Most likely, other people look up to you for these qualities and you have good, strong friendships and close relationships. You are an expert at knowing and loving who you are and you teach those qualities to others by example. Thank you for all of the hard work you had to do to get to this place in your life!

61 – 70: Although you scored pretty high on the Know and Love Who You Are scale, you have a few areas of improvement where your focused attention could assist you in becoming your very best self. Most likely, you manage pretty well but tend to allow yourself to get overly tired when you take on too many responsibilities. Then, you might even have a “meltdown” that leaves you feeling sick or depressed. Although you bounce back, it sometimes takes longer than you wanted or expected to get back on your feet. A careful analysis of where you are spending your energy and how you budget your time could make the difference in awareness that could push you over the top into your happiest self. You are well on your way, so don’t give up until you really know and love who you are!

51 – 60: Your score indicates that you need to spend some time learning to get to know yourself and accepting who you find during the process. You may be active and a high achiever, but you may be critical of yourself or find it difficult to be comfortable around other people because of your negative self-talk. You may already realize that you are unhappy or uncomfortable much of the time, but don’t know what to do about it. The good news is that developing the ability to know and love who you are is a process that anyone can learn. I invite you to invest the time and energy to do that.

20 – 50: If you score in this range, you are probably already aware that you need to learn new skills to feel better. I acknowledge you for taking the first step toward a better life. Although you have probably endured many hardships and life may be very difficult right now, you do have the power to change your circumstances. The change you desire in your life begins inside of you. I encourage you to take the first step and keep stepping because the journey to happiness begins with getting to know yourself and forgiving yourself for anything you feel shame about. It can be a difficult and long journey, but it is well worth it.

Want to improve your score?

Get the book
Pull Yourself Out of the Mud: Know and Love Who You Are and Get MORE Out of Life! (Available at your local bookstore and online at www.amazon.com)

Read Tamara’s personal growth journey at http://www.TamaraJohnsonsDiary.com

Learn how YOU can make a positive difference in the world as you pursue your passions and develop personal and global sustained abundance http://whatwouldyoudo.hubhub.org

Steps

Special Report: Three things you can do today to know and love who you are!

If you already took the Know and Love Who You Are test, you are probably ready to identify what you can do today to improve your score. Congratulations! You are on your way because the first step to improving your life is curiosity and an open mind.

So, let me tell you the three things you can do today.
Slow down and listen are the first two things you can do. What do I mean when I say slow down? Well, the interesting thing that I see that stops women from making progress when they come to me for psychotherapy is that they never take time for themselves. They are so busy running from here to there and getting all of their "work" done that they don't understand why at the end of the day they are unhappy, tapped out and feeling unfulfilled. Yes, we women hold the world together, but if we do not attend to ourselves, we will find ourselves out in the middle of the proverbial desert without any water!

So, slowing down requires you to take some time to breathe each and every day. Find some quiet time when you can disconnect from the noise and pressures of your day. It can be as little as ten minutes. But slow down and allow some silence in your life. Some women find that the only time they can make for silence is in their car. If that's true for you, that's fine. Turn off the radio. Get quiet. Breathe.

Once you have quieted yourself, the second thing you can do for yourself today is listen! Listen to your higher, inner voice. Listen to your feelings. Do you know where they are? They reside in your solar-plexus. Your feelings are your guide, helping you maintain the balance you need inside and in interaction with the world. They are the interactive tools you need to make your life whole, well and happy. If you need more information about listening to your feelings, visit http://www.GetOutoftheMud.com where you can learn the tools for self-healing and growth and ask questions about how to make it work in your life.

Now that you have gotten quiet and listened to your feelings, I ask you: "What does your inner voice tell you that you need to do to achieve more happiness and balance in your life?" That is the third step. Get really clear about what your feelings are telling you. What does your body need? What do you need in your mind and Spirit? When you are clear on that, it is time to take action. Action is the third step. Take one self-nurturing step today. As you fill yourself up, you will be in a better position to give to and nurture every person in your life whom you love and for whom you are responsible.

Want to learn more about how to Know and Love Who You Are? Get Tamara's Book - Pull Yourself Out of the Mud: Know and Love Who You Are and Get MORE Out of Life!

Find free tools for self-growth and healing at http://www.GetOutoftheMud.com

To learn more about Tamara and Tamara's services visit http://www.CenterforHealthyRelationships.com

Read Tamara Johnsons' Diary to witness her personal growth process http://tamara.hubhub.org and click on Tamara Johnson's Diary

Special Report: Secrets of Compatibility

In the past decade, I have helped hundreds of couples overcome the differences that have sometimes caused years of marital conflict. Of the many tools I offer couples in the form of communication exercises and tools for improving intimacy, a surprisingly simple solution to many marital conflicts rests on this concept of compatibility. After years of arguing and not seeing "eye-to-eye" my clients are often pleasantly surprised to find out that their partner is not, in fact, intentionally hurting their feelings. The fact is that each of us has a unique way of seeing and interacting with the world. The problem with this fact is that each of us thinks that the way we see the world is the way everyone else should see the world, as well! We assume that our way is the best way! However, when you understand that the differences between you and your partner are meant to enhance your relationship, you can begin to appreciate each other instead of trying to change each other.

So we must begin our discussion by examining the simple diagram I've included here.

Each of us has two main components of our personality. We are either predominantly relationship-based or competency-based. And we are either freedom-seeking or duty-bound. Read the following descriptions to help you determine where your predominant personality patterns fall.

A relationship-based person's most important concerns in life relate to getting along harmoniously with others. Relationships are this person's primary preoccupation. To that end, a relationship-based person is extremely ethical, based on a personal code of ethics that relates back to the desire for removing conflict and selfishness between people. This person is also very imaginative, intuitive, highly emotional and spiritually based. People skills come naturally and these people are very easily diplomatic. Relationship-based people tend to be empathetic, kindhearted, authentic, enthusiastic, romantic and introspective. They use their internal world as the frame of reference from which to decide how to proceed in the external world of people and relationships. Personal growth is of utmost importance as is an ideal, romantic relationship.

A competency-based individual is much more rooted in problem-solving in the natural, concrete world (as opposed to the relationship-based person, who problem-solves in the abstract world of people, ideas and relationships). What is most important to a competency-based person is appearing knowledgeable and proficient. These individuals are strategic, pragmatic and analytical; always thinking of a better way to approach a problem. Competency-based individuals instinctively doubt just about everything they are told and are skeptical of everyone they interact with. They are self-reliant and ingenious, determined and independent. The worst fate a competency-based person could experience is that of a "robot"; being compelled to follow something or believe blindly. These individuals are calm, logic and achievement based and curious.

After these two descriptions, you should have a pretty good idea of whether you are more relationship-based or competency-based. Most likely, your partner has the opposite characteristics you have! Before we delve more deeply into that, let's look at the other two extremes of personality expression.

The first is the freedom-seeker. Freedom seekers enjoy action and the ability to act without limits. They are pragmatic in the physical world and will do whatever works to get a particular job done. Rules and adhering to the conventions of authority are less important than finding "what works" to get something done. They are focused on tactical efficiency; making each movement count toward the most effective outcome. They are physically based and like to use their hands and experience sensory pleasures. Freedom seekers are playful, spontaneous and optimistic and take disappointment in stride. With their spontaneous nature, freedom-seekers can be impulsive, overly-excitable and scattered.

By contrast, duty-bound individuals tend to be focused on being a "good citizen"; steady, trustworthy, law-abiding, cautious, concerned, steady and dependable. Duty-bound individuals are very good at staying within the lines drawn by an organization and pride themselves on consistently doing reliable work. Duty-bound individuals also tend to focus attention on the activities of others, adopting a managerial role even when they have not been hired to do so. Responsibility is the number one concern for the duty-bound person and they usually want to see that everyone else conforms to their standards of what responsibility should look like.

So now that you have read each type, you should be able to identify yourself as relationship or competency based AND you should be able to identify whether you are more a freedom-seeker or duty-bound. You should find that your personality is a blending of two types - one from each axis on the diagram. Now that you have identified yourself, try to figure out where your partner falls. Ask him or her to identify their own patterns. Many times, couples discover that they are opposites, completely! And, even if they find that they share common characteristics, one partner is usually more extreme on the shared group of traits than the other.

The great news about this is that you now have permission to stop thinking your partner is intentionally trying to hurt or irritate you! For example, if you are a duty-bound person who is married to a freedom-seeker it is important to remember that what attracted you to your partner in the first place was his or her ability to have fun and the sense that your partner didn't seem to have a care in the world! That attracted you. Now that you've been together for a while, you see that the very characteristic that attracted you has a "flip side" something that irritates you and makes you wish your partner were more responsible. What you must remember, however, is that if your partner suddenly wakes up tomorrow and is as responsible and cautious as you are, you will have to give up all of the fun and spontaneity your partner brings to your relationship. Are you willing to do that? Probably not! On the other hand, if you are the freedom-seeker and you are looking at your duty-bound partner and thinking of how bored you feel, you must remember that it is their responsible, managerial nature that helps your life be organized enough for you to have your adventures. There must be enough balance to allow for both!

If your relationship represents the pairing of a relationship-based person and a competency based person, your biggest conflicts will arise around the control of emotions. The relationship-based person believes and acts on the idea that the expression of emotion represents the color and value and fulfillment of life's experiences, while the competency-based person views emotional expression as being out-of-control. For you, it is important to realize that each of you is right. Emotions are good, although they may seem foreign to the competency-based person. On the other hand, self-control and the management of emotions are genuinely positive skills for the relationship-based person to learn. The key is in communicating about your differences and being patient enough to learn when the competency-based person is feeling overwhelmed by the outpouring of emotions that the relationship-based person revels in. And, it is equally important for the relationship-based person to recognize that the competency-based person's discomfort with the free expression of feelings is not a personal rejection. This is, perhaps, one of the most difficult middle grounds to reach and may require the assistance of a qualified professional to help you see your way to mutual support in your relationship.

If your relationship is the pairing of two freedom-seeking souls, the protection of your bond will be found in your joint commitment to making focused efforts on slowing down to attend to the "daily drudgeries" of life. The two of you play and work hard. But who pays the bills and who washes dishes and who makes decides when you should slow down and take a breath? For this relationship to last without causing both of you to "crash and burn" you must be aware of and attentive to these concerns. The tendency would be for the one of you to become resentful because both are out working and playing so hard without regard to the practicalities of life. Talk about it. Don't hold a grudge. Remember, you have the perfect playmate! Yours is life in the fast lane and you must take some time to slow down.

If you and your partner are competency based and a freedom seeker, you were likely attracted to each other because you admired your partner's ability to play and they admired your ability to stay focused to get things done. These are probably still valued in your relationship. So remember the strengths your partner brings to you. On the other hand, if you are the competency-based person in your relationship, try to plan less and play more. It will keep your partner happy. And if you are the freedom seeker, recognize that when your partner looks at you as impulsive that they may just be uncomfortable moving forward without advance, strategic planning.

If you are two duty-based individuals, remember that just because you think your way is the right way, it is in your personality to believe that. It doesn't make it so. Your partner also believes that his or her beliefs are the right beliefs. When you come into conflict, remember not to be judgmental (one of the faults of your personality type) and remember there is more than one "right" way to do things!

For the relationship between a relationship-based and a duty-bound individual, the caution is that you do not judge each other. To a duty-bound person, the tendency of the relationship-based individual to filter everything through personal thoughts and feelings may seem selfish. And the relationship-based person may become impatient with the duty-bound individual's lack of motivation to "go deep" with thoughts and feelings. Here, you need patience about differing perspectives. The relationship-based person should continue to focus on spirituality, enthusiasm and imagination while the competency based person should focus on common moral ground. What attracted you? Go back and focus on that again. Deep personal exploration is not warranted for the relationship fodder here. Focus on common ground.

If you are two relationship-based people, be careful not to spend too much time in each other's emotional space. It is wonderful and exhilarating, at first. But remember that it is okay to come up for air and give each other space.

For the couple who is relationship-based and freedom seeking, the fun and excitement of the relationship often give way to a disconnect because the freedom seeker does not have interest in discussing thoughts and feelings at a deeper level. In fact, I dated a guy like this (he was a freedom-seeker and I am relationship based) and after two months, I concluded that we can't even be friends! I usually get alone with everyone pretty well, but I could not get along with him and it was completely based on our personality differences!

If you are two competency-based individuals in a relationship, you must remember to get personal with each other and leave the analytical stuff behind. Yours can become an isolated relationship where your only connection is discussion work-related things.

Finally, if your relationship is the joining of a competency-based person and a duty-based person, the duty-based person can be perceived by the competency based person as a nag who is uninterested in the competency-based person's ideas and innovations. Remember that the gift the duty-based person offers is stability at home and social connections. Find value in offering or receiving these gifts and the relationship can weather the storm that the personality differences provoke.

Ok. Maybe your head is swimming with all of these details. Here's what is important here. Remember that differences exist in every relationship. Think about the things that originally drew you to your partner. Those things you are irritated with are simply the "flip side" of the things that attracted you in the first place. They secret to compatibility is in resisting the urge to change your partner into whom you think they should be. Rather, recognize their gifts and recognize that the quirks, ideas and habits that represent their personality is NOT an attempt to hurt, manipulate or irritate you. Your partner is simply expressing their unique personality.

Work together. Talk it out. See if, together, you can find a way to value your differences and cherish the unique gifts you each bring to your relationship.

If you would like more information about compatibility in relationships, pick up Stephen Montgomery's book People Patterns: A modern guide to the four temperaments.

Want to learn more about how to Know and Love Who You Are? Get Tamara's Book - Pull Yourself Out of the Mud: Know and Love Who You Are and Get MORE Out of Life!

Find free tools for self-growth and healing at http://www.GetOutoftheMud.com

To learn more about Tamara and Tamara's services visit http://www.CenterforHealthyRelationships.com

Read Tamara Johnsons' Diary to witness her personal growth process http://tamara.hubhub.org and click on Tamara Johnson's Diary


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