In the past decade, I have helped hundreds of couples overcome the differences that have sometimes caused years of marital conflict. Of the many tools I offer couples in the form of communication exercises and tools for improving intimacy, a surprisingly simple solution to many marital conflicts rests on this concept of compatibility. After years of arguing and not seeing "eye-to-eye" my clients are often pleasantly surprised to find out that their partner is not, in fact, intentionally hurting their feelings. The fact is that each of us has a unique way of seeing and interacting with the world. The problem with this fact is that each of us thinks that the way we see the world is the way everyone else should see the world, as well! We assume that our way is the best way! However, when you understand that the differences between you and your partner are meant to enhance your relationship, you can begin to appreciate each other instead of trying to change each other.
So we must begin our discussion by examining the simple diagram I've included here.
Each of us has two main components of our personality. We are either predominantly relationship-based or competency-based. And we are either freedom-seeking or duty-bound. Read the following descriptions to help you determine where your predominant personality patterns fall.
A relationship-based person's most important concerns in life relate to getting along harmoniously with others. Relationships are this person's primary preoccupation. To that end, a relationship-based person is extremely ethical, based on a personal code of ethics that relates back to the desire for removing conflict and selfishness between people. This person is also very imaginative, intuitive, highly emotional and spiritually based. People skills come naturally and these people are very easily diplomatic. Relationship-based people tend to be empathetic, kindhearted, authentic, enthusiastic, romantic and introspective. They use their internal world as the frame of reference from which to decide how to proceed in the external world of people and relationships. Personal growth is of utmost importance as is an ideal, romantic relationship.
A competency-based individual is much more rooted in problem-solving in the natural, concrete world (as opposed to the relationship-based person, who problem-solves in the abstract world of people, ideas and relationships). What is most important to a competency-based person is appearing knowledgeable and proficient. These individuals are strategic, pragmatic and analytical; always thinking of a better way to approach a problem. Competency-based individuals instinctively doubt just about everything they are told and are skeptical of everyone they interact with. They are self-reliant and ingenious, determined and independent. The worst fate a competency-based person could experience is that of a "robot"; being compelled to follow something or believe blindly. These individuals are calm, logic and achievement based and curious.
After these two descriptions, you should have a pretty good idea of whether you are more relationship-based or competency-based. Most likely, your partner has the opposite characteristics you have! Before we delve more deeply into that, let's look at the other two extremes of personality expression.
The first is the freedom-seeker. Freedom seekers enjoy action and the ability to act without limits. They are pragmatic in the physical world and will do whatever works to get a particular job done. Rules and adhering to the conventions of authority are less important than finding "what works" to get something done. They are focused on tactical efficiency; making each movement count toward the most effective outcome. They are physically based and like to use their hands and experience sensory pleasures. Freedom seekers are playful, spontaneous and optimistic and take disappointment in stride. With their spontaneous nature, freedom-seekers can be impulsive, overly-excitable and scattered.
By contrast, duty-bound individuals tend to be focused on being a "good citizen"; steady, trustworthy, law-abiding, cautious, concerned, steady and dependable. Duty-bound individuals are very good at staying within the lines drawn by an organization and pride themselves on consistently doing reliable work. Duty-bound individuals also tend to focus attention on the activities of others, adopting a managerial role even when they have not been hired to do so. Responsibility is the number one concern for the duty-bound person and they usually want to see that everyone else conforms to their standards of what responsibility should look like.
So now that you have read each type, you should be able to identify yourself as relationship or competency based AND you should be able to identify whether you are more a freedom-seeker or duty-bound. You should find that your personality is a blending of two types - one from each axis on the diagram. Now that you have identified yourself, try to figure out where your partner falls. Ask him or her to identify their own patterns. Many times, couples discover that they are opposites, completely! And, even if they find that they share common characteristics, one partner is usually more extreme on the shared group of traits than the other.
The great news about this is that you now have permission to stop thinking your partner is intentionally trying to hurt or irritate you! For example, if you are a duty-bound person who is married to a freedom-seeker it is important to remember that what attracted you to your partner in the first place was his or her ability to have fun and the sense that your partner didn't seem to have a care in the world! That attracted you. Now that you've been together for a while, you see that the very characteristic that attracted you has a "flip side" something that irritates you and makes you wish your partner were more responsible. What you must remember, however, is that if your partner suddenly wakes up tomorrow and is as responsible and cautious as you are, you will have to give up all of the fun and spontaneity your partner brings to your relationship. Are you willing to do that? Probably not! On the other hand, if you are the freedom-seeker and you are looking at your duty-bound partner and thinking of how bored you feel, you must remember that it is their responsible, managerial nature that helps your life be organized enough for you to have your adventures. There must be enough balance to allow for both!
If your relationship represents the pairing of a relationship-based person and a competency based person, your biggest conflicts will arise around the control of emotions. The relationship-based person believes and acts on the idea that the expression of emotion represents the color and value and fulfillment of life's experiences, while the competency-based person views emotional expression as being out-of-control. For you, it is important to realize that each of you is right. Emotions are good, although they may seem foreign to the competency-based person. On the other hand, self-control and the management of emotions are genuinely positive skills for the relationship-based person to learn. The key is in communicating about your differences and being patient enough to learn when the competency-based person is feeling overwhelmed by the outpouring of emotions that the relationship-based person revels in. And, it is equally important for the relationship-based person to recognize that the competency-based person's discomfort with the free expression of feelings is not a personal rejection. This is, perhaps, one of the most difficult middle grounds to reach and may require the assistance of a qualified professional to help you see your way to mutual support in your relationship.
If your relationship is the pairing of two freedom-seeking souls, the protection of your bond will be found in your joint commitment to making focused efforts on slowing down to attend to the "daily drudgeries" of life. The two of you play and work hard. But who pays the bills and who washes dishes and who makes decides when you should slow down and take a breath? For this relationship to last without causing both of you to "crash and burn" you must be aware of and attentive to these concerns. The tendency would be for the one of you to become resentful because both are out working and playing so hard without regard to the practicalities of life. Talk about it. Don't hold a grudge. Remember, you have the perfect playmate! Yours is life in the fast lane and you must take some time to slow down.
If you and your partner are competency based and a freedom seeker, you were likely attracted to each other because you admired your partner's ability to play and they admired your ability to stay focused to get things done. These are probably still valued in your relationship. So remember the strengths your partner brings to you. On the other hand, if you are the competency-based person in your relationship, try to plan less and play more. It will keep your partner happy. And if you are the freedom seeker, recognize that when your partner looks at you as impulsive that they may just be uncomfortable moving forward without advance, strategic planning.
If you are two duty-based individuals, remember that just because you think your way is the right way, it is in your personality to believe that. It doesn't make it so. Your partner also believes that his or her beliefs are the right beliefs. When you come into conflict, remember not to be judgmental (one of the faults of your personality type) and remember there is more than one "right" way to do things!
For the relationship between a relationship-based and a duty-bound individual, the caution is that you do not judge each other. To a duty-bound person, the tendency of the relationship-based individual to filter everything through personal thoughts and feelings may seem selfish. And the relationship-based person may become impatient with the duty-bound individual's lack of motivation to "go deep" with thoughts and feelings. Here, you need patience about differing perspectives. The relationship-based person should continue to focus on spirituality, enthusiasm and imagination while the competency based person should focus on common moral ground. What attracted you? Go back and focus on that again. Deep personal exploration is not warranted for the relationship fodder here. Focus on common ground.
If you are two relationship-based people, be careful not to spend too much time in each other's emotional space. It is wonderful and exhilarating, at first. But remember that it is okay to come up for air and give each other space.
For the couple who is relationship-based and freedom seeking, the fun and excitement of the relationship often give way to a disconnect because the freedom seeker does not have interest in discussing thoughts and feelings at a deeper level. In fact, I dated a guy like this (he was a freedom-seeker and I am relationship based) and after two months, I concluded that we can't even be friends! I usually get alone with everyone pretty well, but I could not get along with him and it was completely based on our personality differences!
If you are two competency-based individuals in a relationship, you must remember to get personal with each other and leave the analytical stuff behind. Yours can become an isolated relationship where your only connection is discussion work-related things.
Finally, if your relationship is the joining of a competency-based person and a duty-based person, the duty-based person can be perceived by the competency based person as a nag who is uninterested in the competency-based person's ideas and innovations. Remember that the gift the duty-based person offers is stability at home and social connections. Find value in offering or receiving these gifts and the relationship can weather the storm that the personality differences provoke.
Ok. Maybe your head is swimming with all of these details. Here's what is important here. Remember that differences exist in every relationship. Think about the things that originally drew you to your partner. Those things you are irritated with are simply the "flip side" of the things that attracted you in the first place. They secret to compatibility is in resisting the urge to change your partner into whom you think they should be. Rather, recognize their gifts and recognize that the quirks, ideas and habits that represent their personality is NOT an attempt to hurt, manipulate or irritate you. Your partner is simply expressing their unique personality.
Work together. Talk it out. See if, together, you can find a way to value your differences and cherish the unique gifts you each bring to your relationship.
If you would like more information about compatibility in relationships, pick up Stephen Montgomery's book People Patterns: A modern guide to the four temperaments.
Want to learn more about how to Know and Love Who You Are? Get Tamara's Book - Pull Yourself Out of the Mud: Know and Love Who You Are and Get MORE Out of Life!
Find free tools for self-growth and healing at http://www.GetOutoftheMud.com
To learn more about Tamara and Tamara's services visit http://www.CenterforHealthyRelationships.com
Read Tamara Johnsons' Diary to witness her personal growth process http://tamara.hubhub.org and click on Tamara Johnson's Diary
