So now that I've implied that your therapist should be providing you with a good model of communication in relationships, let me give you some examples of what therapy is not, and I think that will illustrate what therapy should be. The first example may seem ridiculous, but therapists do it. I heard of a therapist -- actually, two different therapists -- who slept during their sessions with clients! They actually dozed off! If your therapist is sleeping during your sessions, something is wrong! Give yourself permission to walk out and chuckle about what they will say when they wake up to an empty couch in front of them!

Another warning sign is a therapist who makes sexual contact with you or allows you to be sexual with them. Sex is NEVER part of therapy! There are legal repercussions that a therapist must face if that is going on. Be aware that abusive behaviors like this can only cause you harm and you can take action to protect yourself and hold the therapist accountable. Especially if you have a history of sexual trauma, you may find that your therapist re-creates the traumatic relationship and you feel helpless to escape. Go to
http://www.bbs.ca.gov/pdf/publications/proftherapy.pdf to get an idea of what sexual abuse by your therapist is, how sexual abuse by your therapist affects you and what you can do to get out of your situation.

I also want to point out that your therapist should respect you enough to work within your value system. No therapist should condemn your religious or social beliefs. The biggest horror story I know about this aspect of recognizing inappropriate therapy comes from my own life. At 18 years old, I sought help from a therapist who was referred to me by my personal physician after I disclosed that I was struggling with an eating disorder. So I dutifully went to the therapist my doctor referred me to. You know, 20/20 hindsight tells me now that the treatment was inappropriate. But as a young adult, I didn't have the experience to identify and assert myself in this negative and potentially very dangerous situation. What happened is that this therapist handed me a popular sex-guide for couples and explained that the reason I was struggling with an eating disorder was because I was too uptight sexually. Imagine! I fought against his ideas, but the therapeutic relationship is not an equal relationship and therapists are very good at shifting your perspectives and causing confusion if their motives are less than pure. So, for several months, I struggled with the idea that my potentially life-threatening eating disorder was only cured by sexual exploration. It didn't feel right, but every time I brought that up, the therapist insisted that this was my problem -- that even my resistance was evidence that I needed to heal and become sexually expressive. Sounds fishy, right? It didn't seem to matter to him that as an unmarried young woman, keeping my focus toward things of a non-sexual nature was part of my commitment to protect my innocence until I married. Well, I'm happy to say that my virtue remained intact, but the struggle to protect it was strenuous. Imagine the progress I could have made in the direction of healing had I not been busily trying to defend my belief system!

The next piece that I want to talk about is the reality that therapists are just human beings. They are not worthy of being placed on a "guru pedestal." If they place themselves there and try to maintain that position, warning signals should sound off in your head! A therapist is only as good as their personal growth process. Life always brings us challenges. How does your therapist handle theirs? How do they deal with frustration? You will see that in them if your relationship lasts any period of time. Their process of handling life's complications should teach you how to do the same.

As I'm sitting here, I also realize that some therapists invite their clients to participate in social or business opportunities with them. This is called a dual-relationship, and therapists know better. But they will tell you that they know what it best, and this is okay. A good therapist who is most mindful of your safety will decline from interactions with you outside of the treatment room for a period of at least 2 years following the completion of your treatment. This is to protect you from the therapist's human mistakes and personal motivations. Again, the therapeutic relationship is one in which you place your trust in another person to help you heal in a very intimate way. Your safety depends upon the therapist maintaining the safe boundary between your professional relationship and your personal lives. I actually know of a couple whose therapist began socializing with them, only to befriend one spouse more than the other; all the while, telling the couple that she had their best interests in mind. The spouse who was betrayed believed the therapist because the therapist pulled the "I'm the wise guru" card, when she was actually in serious need of personal and professional counseling herself! So watch out for therapists who seem to be working through their own issues at your expense.

Of course, it is impossible to separate a personal agenda from the therapeutic process. But when a potential conflict arises, the therapist should remain transparent and honest enough to tell you the truth, so that you can make your own decision with all of the information that is available. For example, occasionally people will ask me my opinion about adoption or foster care. I am unable to give an unbiased opinion about those subjects based upon my personal experiences. Because of that, I disclose what my biases are and encourage them to do other research to inform themselves about the processes and outcomes of adoption. But can you see how this would be the perfect forum for me to float my agenda and have a client leave after hearing my opinion, believing I've told them "the truth?"

That brings me to another characteristic of a good therapist. A great therapist refrains from imposing "the truth" on you. Rather, that therapist encourages you to find your own truth, your own voice. A good therapist is a very good facilitator -- helping you discover your truths and while guiding you through the healing process in a supportive, proactive way.

I am suggesting that you avoid the bobble-head therapist whose most profound utterances are "uh huh" and "times up." A great therapist helps you see yourself more clearly; behaving as a mirror that reflects your own emotional image back to you in a supportive way that helps you evaluate yourself a little more objectively. Yes, the process can be painful, but you should also be aware at an intuitive level that this growth process is constructive, not destructive.

For example, recently in my online diary at http://www.hubhub.org/diary.php or http://TamaraJohnsonsDiary.com I disclosed the new-found awareness that my favored way of characterizing myself as a "giver" wasn't so virtuous after all. In fact, I had realized that I was a giver because I trusted no one to attend to my needs. Not even my husband! So that awareness shook me up, quite a bit! And when I realized that my motivation for being a giver wasn't pure compassion, I lived through several days of imbalance and feeling very unsure of myself. It felt like a void had been created, and I was not sure what to replace it with. All the while, I recognized that this was a constructive process. With that realization, I was weeding out parts of my personality that did not serve me. In their place, I choose to proactively and intentionally improve my actions so that they become actions of intention rather than actions of defense. That is how the process is constructive. A good therapist will support you in that kind of constructive growth process.

Next, a good therapist should give you something to work on or to think about in the very first session. He or she should cause you to explore thoughts and feelings you may have not entertained before. Your concerns should be addressed and your new therapist should be able to provide you with some idea of how he or she works. Your questions about the therapeutic relationship should be answered clearly and to your satisfaction.

More than anything, I think a good therapist models the growth process within the context of a healthy relationship. The therapist doesn't necessarily need to reveal their own growth process to you, but if the therapist is active in his or her process, he or she will be very well equipped to help you negotiate yours. You will know because the therapeutic growth process will be active, dynamic and safe.

As always, if you have any questions that I haven't answered here, simply send me an e-mail at tamara@getoutofthemud.com

It is a complete pleasure for me to share my gifts with you as you continue on your path of growth and healing. Thank you for listening today. Join me in my vision for improving every woman's life by sharing www.GetOutoftheMud.com with women you care about. Until next time, I'm Tamara Johnson.