Those lessons are not the same for little boys. They may be taught the same lessons initially, but by the time they are school-aged, boys are scrapping and wrestling with each other in order to figure out who wins or who gets to take the next turn. Little girls on the playground struggle in a more verbal way and thus are still told to be nice, to think about each other's feelings and to give in to what someone else wants in order that everyone can have an enjoyable time.

But I've got some questions. At what age do we begin to learn that we need to ask for what we want? If someone says or does something we don't like, when is it okay to speak up? When is saying "no" appropriate? For many of us, those answers came during adolescence, when we rebelled against the powers that were and stood up for ourselves. Sometimes, however, those stands were taken in misdirected ways. Instead of questioning a parent and learning how to take care of her own needs, one teen-ager might have numbed her feelings of confusion and resentment with alcohol, drugs or sexual acting out. If your parents were the kind that encouraged a two-way discussion of the differences in perception between you as a teen and them as the household authorities, you are probably able to assert yourself in a reasonably healthy way. For many, however, this was not the case.

These questions remind me of an experience I had while I was still working as a Marriage and Family Therapist Intern. I was working for an agency that provided services to families touched by incest. During the training meetings that I and other intern staff attended, the director of the
program continuously asked us to complete tasks and compromise personal boundaries in a way that did not feel right to me. Often, she asked us to place our own needs secondary to the needs of her agency. The simplest example would be a request she made that participants disclose personal information in a group setting in a way that did not feel safe. She did not respect family obligations or personal time. And, she would impose limits and structures on her staff that did not allow for individuality. Rather, it was stifling and induced fear in her staff members and trainees. In my typical outspoken style, every time she would make a demand that seemed to me to represent a violation of my personal boundaries or those of others
participating in her program, I spoke up and questioned the process of what was happening in the meeting. Mind you, I did it in what I thought was a respectful way -- but the problem was that I was listening to and honoring my internal voice and found it in direct conflict with the things I saw and heard in this program. I thought I was participating in an adult discussion where ideas and policies could be evaluated and improved. I guess I was wrong!

Shortly, the director of the clinic expelled me from the program. But, do you want to know the interesting part about that whole process? The day that she told the other interns of her decision to dismiss me, every other intern who worked for her quit. That day! They just walked out!

Why do you think that happened? Well, here's what they told me. That I had given them permission to filter what the director had been saying through their own process and they found that I was empowering them to recognize their own voices and needs as valid. When they saw that their own feelings of empowerment were being dismissed in the symbolism of ejecting me from the agency, they saw the need for solidarity and took action.

Interestingly, the director of the program called me a few months later and asked me to re-join her program. I politely declined.

But here's the point of telling you that story. It just so happens that the director of that program and all of her interns -- except me -- had been victims of molest during childhood. One of the tragedies of experiencing molest during childhood is that it causes confusion about where the boundaries are. It makes it very difficult to say: "Hey, wait a minute! Something doesn't feel right here." That's because in the very first experiences of something not "feeling right" a person of power and authority was there saying that it was okay, even when it wasn't. In a less extreme example for women who were not molested, the parent who was most feared instilled the tendency to place that parent's preferences over the internal voice. So I was there modeling for them the process of listening to themselves. They all responded in an empowered way and took action. Yes, there were some negative consequences, but those negative consequences paled in comparison to the benefits they recieved by being personally empowered to be in charge of what they did and did not do.

I realize that using examples from the lives of adults molested as children may seem extreme. But I used that story here to illustrate a point.

Many of us live our lives forcing ourselves to quiet our inner voice simply because we assume that someone else has the authority to be "right" and that we, by virtue of being different, are "wrong."

So it's time to get some things straight. Simply because our internal dialog conflicts with what someone else is saying does not mean that somedoby is wrong. Differences should bring discussion. Think about it. It's actually possible to create win-win situations. If it seems like you can't get beyond win-lose, keep talking! Here's what I know . . . . If I continue to silence my inner voice when it comes into conflict with others' needs and ideas, I'll end up giving my energy and power away for things I don't believe in. I'll end up spending myself to exhaustion in an effort to please someone else. But the reality is that it's impossible to please other people in just the right way that our needs will get met! We MUST be willing and able to KNOW and COMMUNICATE what we need effectively.

If we don't figure out our own needs and communicate them, we build resentment that others do not sacrifice themselves the way we are sacrificing ourselves for them, we burn out, we get sick, we feel anxious and depressed.

So the first step in this process is to figure out what you believe. When you look at your anxieties related to not asserting yourself, are there "rules" there that were imposed during your childhood that really aren't valid to you? Do you have a "what will the neighbors think" mentality that keeps you stunted? Right now is the time to begin evaluating which of the rules you grew up obeying are actually valid and socially appropriate and which ones only serve to pepper your life with worry, anxiety or depression. When you find a rule that doesn't serve you or others around you, I'm giving you permission to get rid of it!!! It is a process that takes time and energy, but I promise that if you commit yourself to it, you will be very glad you did!

This is Tamara Johnson, your host of The Get Out of the Mud Show. If you have any questions, please send them to me and I'll be happy to answer them for you. Until next time, take good care of yourself.