The reason is that when most of us encounter an uncomfortable feeling, we don’t know what to do with it – except avoid it, mask it, put it away, hide it or pretend it doesn’t exist! That’s what most of us were taught: that uncomfortable feelings are to be avoided at all costs. Think of it, when you cried as a child, were you told: “It’s okay. Crying is good for you, get it all out.” Or, were you told, “Keep crying and I’ll give you something to cry about!” Maybe the conscription against tears wasn’t that extreme in your family. Perhaps, your parent just became stiff and uncomfortable when you cried. Or maybe your parent convinced you that crying is inappropriate by imposing a brand of optimism that did not allow you to acknowledge and experience your own feelings. Restrictive responses to your authentic expressions of feelings could have taken any number of forms.
When that happens to us as children, we learn the unspoken message that “It is not okay to feel” and begin to systematically catalogue and store any feelings that threaten our experience of safety and well-being. So, now that I have you thinking about what you learned about your feelings in the family where you grew up, let me tell you that all is not lost! If you have put your feelings away, you can bring them back into active participation in your life. “Wait a minute” you say “Why would I do that?” Well, let me tell you.
Most likely, if you are experiencing difficulties in your relationships, if you have some behavior that you can’t get under control (like compulsive shopping or overeating) or if you are struggling with your ability to make every day decisions, you probably have a habit of avoiding feelings and it’s not working for you. Feelings are not disposable aspects of our daily life that we can do just fine in avoiding. To the contrary, feelings are the barometers that assist us in determining when, if and how adjustments need to be made in order to enhance our well-being; either in our internal environment (that is, how we talk to and think about ourselves) or in our external environment.
Let me give you an example. Imagine you and I are sitting together in a comfortable room, on a cool winter evening and we have a lovely fire in the fireplace. We’re having a casual, enjoyable conversation while we sip hot cider. Can you imagine the room? Can you smell the cinnamon in the cider? Can you see the beautiful sunset just outside the window? How do you feel? Perhaps you feel relaxed, at ease, open, friendly? Now, imagine that the door bursts open and a grizzly bear bounds into the room snarling and looking quite hungry. What are your feelings now? Are you feeling something that will motivate you to get the heck out of there? Yeah! Me, too!
And, that’s my point. Sometimes, our feelings tell us that a person we are relating to is unsafe. Or that a situation is not serving our best interests. But what do we do? Do we ignore the feeling because that’s all we know how to do with our feelings? Or do we listen to ourselves and allow the feelings to guide us toward securing our personal safety by getting the heck out of the situation or by setting appropriate boundaries?
The other thing I want you to realize is that it is impossible to feel some feelings and not others. I remember being told that as a teenager and rejecting the idea. I just wanted to feel the good, happy stuff and avoid everything else! Lots of people do that. But when we endeavor to cut off some of our feelings, we cut them all out. It’s like being the walking dead: moving through life believing the feelings are intact when they are not. In reality, when we maintain the habits of the walking dead, we do feel. We feel constant fear and anxiety that someone or something is going to trigger an enormous avalanche of feeling. So, the waking dead do everything in their power to avoid feelings at all costs! To help you understand why I call these people the walking dead, think of this: what would your life be like if everything you ate tasted the same? You eat strawberry ice cream, it tastes like spaghetti. You eat prime rib, it tastes like spaghetti. You eat cheese cake and salad and mashed potatoes. They all taste like spaghetti! How long would you be interested in food? Not long? Well, living life without experiencing a full range of feelings is like having everything taste the same. It is boring, it is bland – AND, worse, it’s characterized by fear. The walking dead are afraid all the time.
So, how do you know if you are the walking dead? And, if you are, how do you revive yourself? Here’s the diagnostic question to help you discover if you are the walking dead or a living feeling person. Where in your body do you experience feelings? To put it another way, where do you experience the physical sensations that you can identify and describe with feeling words? The answer is: in your stomach. It’s right in your solar plexus. Think of that place where we usually get hiccups. That’s the spot! If that seems like a strange concept to you, you probably are not experiencing your feelings regularly. If you said that you feel in your head, you are talking about your thoughts. If you said you feel in your heart and pointed to your chest, you are disconnected from your feelings.
So, let me give you an experiment. Sit back, close your eyes and focus your attention on your solar plexus. Place your hand over it if you need to. Now, keep your focus until you become aware of some kind of physical sensation. Once you have become aware of the physical sensation, try to describe that sensation with a descriptive feeling word.
Practice this exercise as often as you need to so that at any given time, you can do a quick check-in and know, fairly quickly, what you are feeling. Eventually, your goal should be to have this part of yourself “always on.” That is to say that no matter what you are doing, you are consistently aware of your feeling self and your feeling self provides you with a constant stream of feedback regarding your own well being in any environment. With time and practice, and as you continue to listen to this program, you will become very good at taking care of yourself no matter what situation you find yourself in.
Until next time, I am Tamara Johnson and you are listening to www.GetOutoftheMud.com. Thanks for coming. See ya next time!