Recently someone asked me: "What is Love?" I answered the question as best I could, because love is a lot of things. But I haven't been able to get that question out of my mind. I suppose it is because in all of the questions sent to me from listeners to The Get Out of the Mud Show, I see a common theme. I have received several e-mails from young women in relationships who are very unhappy because their relationships do not meet their needs. Yet, they stay because they "love" the other person. Many of these young women are describing boyfriends, not husbands, but still cannot let go of the relationship although the boyfriends are not showing behaviors that could be described as loving. So I'm wondering about that . . . .

A few days ago, I woke up to find a trail of ants leading up the side of my dresser, across one of the drawers and up to the top, where they were feasting on a bag of dog food I had left there several weeks ago. I had absent-mindedly dropped it there without making any other plans for it on the day I brought my adorable teacup Shih Tzu puppy home from the airport. Funny how ants remind us of our priorities. They have a way of making me stop and pay attention. Right now.
A day or so before, I had found a trail of ants around the bathtub in the bathroom at 11pm, just before I had planned to turn in after a long day. Instead of going to bed, I ended up defending my territory with a can of Raid.
When they came up on the dresser a few days later, there was a lesson in it for me. You see, once I found them on the dresser, I found myself grousing about how it's Michael's job to defend our home from intruders . . . . Grousing on my way to the Raid can. Then I stopped and realized something. How can I expect Michael to take care of the problem if I solve it before he even knows about it? It was an interesting thought. It actually brought me to another realization . . . . that I really do want to be in complete control of "my universe." And my attempts at control cause my shoulders to get tense, my stomach to hurt, my sleep to be of poor quality and my patience with my loved ones to wear thin. That I want to control makes me controlling. Yes, I might do it in a nice way, but it is controlling nonetheless.
The most interesting thing about my interactions with the ants (or lack of it - should I choose to allow them to continue their work until Michael can stop them) was that I had also been thinking about this idea of control on a much larger scale.
Somewhere along my path in life, I have come to believe that if I want to be "blessed," I must be "good." So, I've gone about trying to be good. The problem has come for me when I've evaluated my "goodness" as being "worthy" of "blessings" but the blessings don't seem to be proportionate with how "good" I've believed myself to be. Now, if you are reading this and thinking that I'm really not being very humble, I would agree with you. I'm sharing my process . . . . an interesting one. So in thinking and feeling this problem through, I've come to the conclusion that the "blessings" I receive are absolutely not related to how good I am. They are, instead, related to the Mercy and Goodness of God.
I know this is a deep philosophical discussion, but stay with me . . . .
The next thing that happened, was that I found myself awake at 3:30am with the thought that: If the good things that come into my life have little to do with how "good" I am, then I don't have any control over the course of what happens to me! Suddenly, I felt lost and like the great big world was simply filled with more chaos than I could face! The thought terrified me.
I sat with it, not knowing quite what to do. Then, I realized something. As a child, I attempted to control my environment with my actions (and thought in my child-like logic that I could). I tried to be "good" so that everything would go right for me at home. It is something that I often teach my clients: a child would rather assume that their actions control their parents' behaviors (especially if the parent is non-responsive to the child's needs or abusive) than to believe that the (imperfect) parent would wish to cause the child harm (in the child's perspective). It's basic, "Understand Your Childhood 101".
And here I sat, realizing that my efforts to "be good" were actually my attempts to control GOD into giving me what I want!!!! Wow! THAT is an eye-opener! What to do with a realization like that? Well . . . . here's what I did with it. I realized that I was using little-kid logic to make myself feel safe.
I took a deep breath. I recognized that I cannot make the world nor my little "universe" safer with my efforts at "being good." I decided that I would rely on Christ, but instead of relying on Him to open the way for me to get a nice home because I'm so "good," I would rely on Him for comfort, for peace and for direction when I need it.
In the morning, I told Michael about the ants and let it go . . . .

Crystle won an autographed, advance copy of Pull Yourself Out of the Mud: Know and Love Who You Are and Get MORE Out of Life! by sharing The Get Out of the Mud Show with her friends and family. Thank you, Crystle and Congratulations!

Here's what she has to say . . . .

Hello my names is Crystle, I am married and a mother of two and learning how to get in touch with myself through The Get Out of the Mud Show. I was so excited to find out that I was the lucky winner of Tamara's new book. So far, I have found it very interesting and it has helped me to realize things that I didn't know before. I am also sharing the book with my 12 year old daughter so that she can grow to be a strong confident woman in her own right. Thanks Tamara. I look forward to your other helpful tools to help me improve the quality of my life.
Sincerly
Crystle C.
P.S. Tamara, I do want you to know that the book is great! Even got my husband reading it. Thank you so much for everything.

Recently, I was toying with the idea of inviting people who watch YouTube videos to send me their video questions. I thought it would make a very fun project where I would answer those questions on video and just have a bit of fun with it. So, to begin I grabbed my video camera and headed to the Fox Coffee shop to recruit unsuspecting loungers into asking me a question on camera. I successfully cajoled one young person, who asked: "Why do I procrastinate so much?" Then, I arm wrestled a friend and won, so she consented to asking her question: "Why do I have so much trouble being motivated to do what I know I need to do to move forward in my life?" Hmmmm. I've been thinking about those two questions and the more I think about them, the more similar they seem to me. Both questions seem to imply that there is something each person wants to do but for one reason or another, does not do.

In the past decade, I have helped hundreds of couples overcome the differences that have sometimes caused years of marital conflict. Of the many tools I offer couples in the form of communication exercises and tools for improving intimacy, a surprisingly simple solution to many marital conflicts rests on this concept of compatibility. After years of arguing and not seeing "eye-to-eye" my clients are often pleasantly surprised to find out that their partner is not, in fact, intentionally hurting their feelings. The fact is that each of us has a unique way of seeing and interacting with the world. The problem with this fact is that each of us thinks that the way we see the world is the way everyone else should see the world, as well! We assume that our way is the best way! However, when you understand that the differences between you and your partner are meant to enhance your relationship, you can begin to appreciate each other instead of trying to change each other.

Special Report: Three things you can do today to know and love who you are!

If you already took the Know and Love Who You Are test, you are probably ready to identify what you can do today to improve your score. Congratulations! You are on your way because the first step to improving your life is curiosity and an open mind.

So, let me tell you the three things you can do today.
Slow down and listen are the first two things you can do. What do I mean when I say slow down? Well, the interesting thing that I see that stops women from making progress when they come to me for psychotherapy is that they never take time for themselves. They are so busy running from here to there and getting all of their "work" done that they don't understand why at the end of the day they are unhappy, tapped out and feeling unfulfilled. Yes, we women hold the world together, but if we do not attend to ourselves, we will find ourselves out in the middle of the proverbial desert without any water!

Do YOU Know and Love Who You Are?
Take this test and find out!

Please rate how strongly you agree or disagree with the following statements.

1. I believe I can do anything I set my mind to doing.
Strongly Agree = 4; Agree = 3; Disagree = 2; Strongly Disagree = 1

2. It is easy for me to stand up for my ideas, even of someone disagrees with me.
Strongly Agree = 4; Agree = 3; Disagree = 2; Strongly Disagree = 1

3. I have one or two hobbies or interests that I spend time doing, which I find regenerative and fulfilling.
Strongly Agree = 4; Agree = 3; Disagree = 2; Strongly Disagree = 1

Are you unhappy with your weight? Do you do something that causes your body harm? If not now, have you done so in the past?

I would encourage you to listen to the episode below "Reclaim Your Body From Shame" and then spend some time exploring how these issues impact your life personally. I have found that body image has nothing to do with other things in my life like how I run my business or how well I interact in my close relationships. But when something doesn't go as planned, my first
line of attack, if I am not careful, is toward my body. I'll criticize my body instead of looking at the real issue at hand.

Weekly assignments are no longer offered through The Get Out of the Mud Show. Instead, sign up to participate in weekly Webinars assisting you in developing your home-based business at www.WorkSmartMommies.com. Or, read Tamara's diary at http://www.tamarajohnsonsdiary.com